the agony of defeat.

defeat |diˈfēt|verb [ trans. ]win a victory over (someone) in a battle or other contest; overcome or beat : Arab armies defeated the Byzantine garrison.• prevent (someone) from achieving an aim : she was defeated by the last steep hill.• prevent (an aim) from being achieved : don't cheat by allowing your body to droop—this defeats the object of the exercise.• reject or block (a motion or proposal) : the amendment was defeated.• be impossible for (someone) to understand : this line of reasoning defeats me, I must confess.• Law render null and void; annul.

i'm feeling sort of defeated today; i haven't figured out if it's because it's a monday, or because monday is only a part of it. i'll try really hard to not make this post into a self-pity-party, because that's annoying. 

yes; it's monday. the worst day of the week. what's worse than mondays? having a test on monday. because that's exactly what i wanted to spend my entire weekend doing....studying. needless to say, i probably should have studied more for my animal bio test today. i know i'm not good at taking tests, and i'm even worse at science. that's just a fact of life. still, i couldn't help but feeling like i wanted to fall into a black hole after i turned my scantron in. oh well though, i can't do anything about it now. what's that saying again? better luck next time? i hope so.

i also feel defeated in terms of my future. all my life, i've been working towards the next goal....getting good grades, getting into college, having new experiences, finding a major, etc. but now that i've picked my major (for now) i feel like i won't ever be good enough to find a job after college. i know that sounds silly, but i not by nature a competitive person. i just am not. which leads us into my number one fear in life: failure. i guess i'm just scared of my life not turning out how i want it to.

but that's just the thing -- i'm ultimately not in control of my life. no matter what plan i have, or what goals i want to accomplish, it's in God's hands. he has a plan for my life, and i often ignore that, which only makes me more frustrated. i hate not knowing things. i don't like being lost. what is my life going to be like in 5 years? 10 years? 20 years? i can safely say i have no idea. which is exciting and scary at the same time. while i have no idea what is in my future, i know that God knows. which makes me feel better. 

i guess if i had to compare this whole idea to something else; it would be like using a GPS. usually, if you have no idea how to get to a location, you use the GPS to guide you. turn left?? ok. stay on this road for 3.2 miles?? sure. you have to completely surrender and put your trust in that GPS, trusting and having hope and faith that it is going to take you to your destination (on time, preferrably). God is the little voice inside the GPS. you have to trust in what he will provide for you. you have to trust that He is going to get you there, even if you take a few wrong turns along the way. it knows you will make mistakes; just like God does. the GPS accepts that, and will get you there regardless.

i realize that is kind of corny - but it's the best i got.

here's to tuesday; hopefully a better day.

:)