crossroads.

i've been putting off writing this post for awhile now. i've had this and that for an excuse, but i decided it's finally time to sit down and write everything down. there might be some "word vomit" if you will.

honestly, the title of this post makes me cringe a little but it's the only word that describes this point in my life.

i'm at a crossroad - let's have the dictionary define that, shall we?

crossroads |ˈkrôsˌrōdz|

noun

an intersection of two or more roads.

• a point at which a crucial decision must be made that will have far-reaching consequences : we stand again at a historic crossroads.

• ( crossroad) a road that crosses a main road or joins two main roads.

the second definition is more of what i'm talking about here - "a point at which a crucial decision must be made that will have far-reaching consequences" because guess what? I'm going to be done with school FOREVER in a matter of 9 months. 9 MONTHS. MARCH 2014. that's the length of a pregnancy (don't get any ideas, family....) in other words, that's not a lot of time in the grand scheme of things. I am graduating a quarter early, which means less time i have to be in school, but it also means i have to join the rest of the world earlier. there's pros and cons here, as in most situations in life.

i've had a breakdown (or 3) within the last 2 weeks. after much thought and over-analyzation, i'm not sure if i want to do something fashion-related with my career. clearly, since i'm only two quarters away from graduating, changing my major is not an option. (not that i would know what i wanted to change it to anyway), so i'm going to stick it out.

the thing is, i don't know what i want to do with my life. i have no idea. how are you supposed to know at age 21, anyhow? at the same time, i feel stupid for not knowing. i feel like everyone else has a goal; a plan of what they want to do and how they will achieve it.

so what do i want to do? i want to travel the world. that's the only thing that comes to mind. but i can't do that forever.

another idea that has been floating around in my mind is writing - clearly i enjoy it, and i think i'm decent at it. i've thought about doing it for a career. but would that make me hate one of my passions? that would be unfortunate. i think in the next couple of weeks i might see if i can do an informational interview of sorts somewhere like Seattle Magazine. that way, i can at least get a feel for what writing for a living might be like. it can't hurt, right?

i realize that not everyone has a career that direct relates to what they majored in in college. which is encouraging....but still, i can't stop the voice in the back of my head that's saying 'what are you going to do with this degree? you only have one option.' and that sucks. i feel trapped into being a buyer, or a merchandiser, or something related to that. and after hating EVERY SINGLE SECOND of my retail buying class this quarter, i can safely cross off "buyer" from my list of potential careers. but now what? where do i go from here?

i think another reason for this crisis is that every single fashion-related job (well, really every job) i've applied for this summer, i haven't gotten, or even heard back from. 

it's tough for a playa out there on the streets, ya dig?

i've been in a state of mental panic for the last few weeks. i feel like i'm running out of time. will i be ready graduate in 9 months? like, mentally prepared for life post-college and everything that goes with it? i don't like change. if i didn't bring it on myself, i hate it. i don't like that awkward period of adjustment. 

sooo....this brings me to a standstill. i wish God would give me a vision of what i'm supposed to do and that would be that, but that's not how life works.
for now, i just have to pray and trust that God will point me in the right direction.