restlessness.

as i was driving to joann's fabrics (the life of a fashion student) i kept hearing updates about the situation in Boston. earlier, i was reading updates on facebook - some of them involving children inquiring what was going on - and i couldn't shake off the helpless and natural feeling of "WHY?". 
and i involuntarily lost it. as i sat in traffic, i just helplessly started crying. (these things usually don't hit me that hard, but for some reason they struck a nerve.)

why do these things happen?
why are people so angry?
why do people feel so alone?
why is this okay?

the truth is, it's not okay. but it happens regardless. and i know the answer that many people think to these questions is: "because they don't have jesus". and while that is true, i can't help but be pessimistic and bitter towards it. in ucor 3000, we learned about theodicies - the vindication of divine goodness and providence in view of the existence of evil. even though i have a textbook definition of this, i still can't wrap my head around why. this definition doesn't explain or justify the way human beings act. how someone can be so broken, so indescribably hurt, so angry, that they feel the need to hurt or kill hundreds (or in some cases, thousands) of innocent people is completely beyond me. i cannot wrap my mind around mass shootings and bombings - especially consecutive ones.
especially when i know that it could happen to people i love - my parents, my siblings, my nieces, my boyfriend, my friends...and even me. 

this sucks.
people suck.

and while that might be something that never changes as long as we're on earth, it's a reality we have to accept. what i've realized is that i can't control what other people do, but i can control how i react to it. and it's ok to be pissed off, angry, frustrated, sad, or confused. these tragedies aren't easy and they have several complicated layers to them. it's natural to feel like this. what i'm at a loss for is when to stop feeling like this. can i be constantly frustrated and angry at people who do this? no, because that's not going to solve anything. on the other hand, i can't simply forget about something this easily, because it can (and will) happen again. i suppose what i'm getting at is that i don't know where to go from here. i'm at a stubborn place of frustration and unbelief.

i have to believe God is good.
i have to believe people will be changed and affected by these situations.
i have to believe that His purpose is divine and better than anything i could even dream of.

but you know what? 



it's hard.

but i'm trying. 
and i'll keep trying.