my heart.

it's been awhile, huh??
through the craziness of finals, packing, and hanging out.....i didn't fit blogging in anywhere. then, i went to IL for the start of my spring break......and still didn't fit blogging in anywhere. before i do anything of accomplishment today, i decided i should just blog and get it over with. that sounds weird. obviously, if posting blog entries (with the exception of my macroeconomics blog....barf.) ever warranted the phrase "get it over with" i would stop immediately. i like writing. no, really. it's never wrong or right. it's putting words to the swirling thoughts in my brain daily. it's a craft, really. i can be as creative or as dull as i want.
anyhow......what exactly is "it" that i want to get over? 
during my trip to the midwest, among the 80+ degree weather i enjoyed (jealous?), i got to spend some QT with my relatives....including my aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandma. i got to live their lives for a few days -- which i quickly realized was completely different from mine. not in a bad way, just different. i won't bore you with the little details -- i'll cut to the chase.


i'm not going to lie to you, nursing homes freak me out. maybe it's because i'm not used to them...i don't know. my grandma recently moved from a more retirement home-apartment-style area to a nursing-home-beginnings of dimentia-single room area. i guess i hadn't realized she had moved, so when we first drove up, i was a little confused as to where we were going. we walked in, (fast enough as to not set off the alarm.....which we were not so successful at later on) and suddenly i was transported out of the normal world i had been living in. we entered the lobby, and there were several elderly people sitting down. some in chairs, some in wheelchairs. some were completely slumped over. some were talking to themselves. they all just kinda stared as my aunt and i walked in, past them, towards my grandma's room. i put on a smile, however forced it may have been, to mask my uncomfortableness and fear. we eventually found my grandma doing some rehabilitation physical-therapy type exercises to stay mobile. i was struck by how thin my grandma was. she was so much more frail than the last time i'd seen her. the more time i spent in the nursing home, the more real everything felt. these elderly people are closer to the end of life than i'd seen previously. i went there three days in a row, and it didn't get easier. i wanted to cry more than once. being in the nursing home was definitely a reality check....it made me so thankful for my health and my friends/families health.
i guess the silver lining is my grandma's spirit - even though she might not know where she was or who i was, she has this incredible optimism. if i inherit even half of that, i will be happy. always a smile on her face. i love my grandma - and i hope i can embody some of her optimism and joy when i'm almost 93, lord willing :)