senior reflection paper.

I had to write a senior reflection as part of my final for my capstone class. if you're not familiar with SPU, some of the terms (UCOR, UFDN, FCS, etc) may be unfamiliar, they're just classes I've taken. FCS stands for Family and Consumer Science which is the department my major is in.

So, here it is. The last four years of my life. Summed up in two, single-spaced pages.

Senior Reflection Paper

Throughout the last four years I’ve grown in more ways than I thought possible: academically, spiritually, and emotionally, just to name a few. It’s difficult to put my experiences, lessons and dreams into words and to quantify it all in a matter of two pages. While at college, I’ve learned so much and have accomplished more than I ever thought I could. But let’s back up, shall we? My name is Chandler Birky. I am a senior at Seattle Pacific University, and will graduate in June with a degree in Fashion Merchandising. I was born and raised in Salem, OR, but have lived in Olympia, WA since I was 13. I’ve been at SPU since I was a freshman, and have never looked back. Let me explain that. I applied to three different universities, two of which were in California. When I was a senior in high school, I was convinced I was going to go to an out-of-state school. After I had been accepted into all three schools, I started to panic; worried I’d end up making the wrong decision. I remember someone along the way telling me, “you’re going to like wherever you end up going. College is what you make of it.” That advice has stuck with me even four years later, and guess what? They were right. After doing overnight visits, comparing scholarship offers and major programs, and some soul-searching, I ended up choosing SPU. I never considered transferring anywhere else and am truly satisfied with my undergraduate education and everything I’ve been able to experience.

Attending college is beneficial for many reasons. Perhaps one of the most obvious is to receive an education. Throughout my education, I’ve identified what my passions and strengths are, as well as what I don’t enjoy. As a result, I will hopefully find a job or vocation that matches my personality. Traditionally, vocation has been synonymous with a career. But perhaps vocation is more closely related to a calling. For example, in the article “Toward the Fullness of Life”, Marie Dennis describes vocation (particularly Christian vocation) as “not so much about a career as about a call to the fullness of life – an invitation not to leave the world, but to embrace it” (Dennis, 2011). This is very similar to SPU’s motto: Engaging the culture, changing the world. As Christians, we are called to love others and spread the Gospel. This can be done in many different ways. Whether it’s on the mission field or in an office cubicle, we are to engage the culture in how we treat other people, striving to show others the grace and love Christ has shown us. The article also discusses how vocations relate to an individual’s values and authenticity. A vocation should be a reflection of what one is passionate about. Thus, my future vocation will involve helping people and improving lives in some shape or form. In practical terms, I am not 100% sure how my vision will materialize itself. Since my major is fashion merchandising, and I am passionate about clothing, I would love to do something that involves both clothing and some type of non-profit organization.  Since I’ve only recently had this idea, I haven’t done a ton of research into it, but an organization like Dress For Success, which helps low-income women with dressing professionally for interviews, would be a good place to start. Or perhaps my vocation will primarily focus on helping people and improving lives, and fashion will be secondary.  What is important is that I have a direction, however, I am unsure of where I will end up. But who really has it figured out at age 21 anyway?

When I entered SPU as a freshman, I identified myself as Christian. I didn’t really need to think twice about it; I was raised in a Christian home and went to all the camps and retreats possible growing up. I knew I wanted to go to a university that emphasized Christianity so I could grow even more in my faith. So much so, that I didn’t even apply to a “secular” school. That being said, my faith has been stretched in ways I couldn’t have imagined in college. My faith journey has had its less fruitful, even doubtful, periods. But that is natural, in fact: it’s healthy. One of the most important lessons I’ve learned in college is to question. For the most part, before I came to college, I just accepted what my teachers, pastors, and mentors have said. Only when I was in a new environment filled with new surroundings, people, and ideas did I begin to examine what I had once been taught. I believe not taking things at face value and instead looking deeper into an issue/topic is a sign of maturity. Peter Abelard, 12^th Century French philosopher and theologian, once said: “the key to wisdom is this – constant and frequent questioning, for by doubting we are led to question and by questioning we arrive at the truth.” From my experience, the periods of heaviest doubts have led to the greatest leaps in faith. The more I experience God’s grace daily, the more I am motivated and drawn to replicate that grace in my own life. I feel a sense of moral obligation to help those less fortunate than I am. Whatever my vocation ends up being, I hope I am able to positively impact the lives of individuals and families.

Even though I’ve majored in fashion merchandising, I’ve taken a wide range of classes ranging from subjects in fashion, literature, religion, science, philosophy, and psychology. Throughout the common curriculum, I’ve taken classes unique to SPU including USEM, UCOR, and UFDN. In UFDN classes, I’ve been exposed to the history of Christianity, as well as Scriptures and theology. These are somewhat self-explanatory in subject matter, but nevertheless are important to understand as the origins of Christianity influence our life and how we live 2,000 years later. One of the most difficult classes in the common curriculum for me was UCOR 3000: Belief, Morality and the Modern Mind. I had never taken a philosophy course before, and a majority of the material was difficult to digest. For example, questions such as the different views of hell, creation, etc. were questions that I hadn’t even thought of, or at least in much depth. I’ve realized throughout college, that although I am valuable and have worth as human, I am an insignificant blip on the time spectrum. Throughout the exploratory curriculum, I’ve taken classes such as Literature and Faith, Animal Biology, and Spanish. Literature and Faith was one of the first classes I took my freshman year, and helped me to see literature in a different faith-based perspective. Animal Biology was interesting because it was taught from a creationism standpoint rather than an evolutionary standpoint. The most impactful class in terms of knowing my place in the world as well as the implications of my future vocation has been this one, FCS Senior Capstone. Throughout our discussions of what FCS is, public policy, service, ethics, and vocation, I’ve understood more of how I can impact the people I serve and improve their lives in an ethical and faith-based manner.

Although the future might be unknown, I feel I am prepared for whatever comes my way. The skills I’ve learned in college are invaluable, and I will continue to build upon them. I am so excited for the next chapter of my life. Hindsight is 20/20, and I’m confident that the implications of my education will show throughout other areas of both my personal and professional life in the future. This quote from Carol Burnett is all encompassing concerning the notion of learning: “we don’t stop going to school when we graduate”. Life is full of chances to explore, to grow, to learn. Just because my formal education may be coming to an end does not mean my education of people, dreams, and goals are over. I am ready to graduate, to go out into the world, and continue this crazy adventure called life.

it's been awhile.....really.

a LONG WHILE. it's been almost three months since i've posted anything - and i can blame that on a few things. [first - and most obviously] - school. taking 17 credits took more time than i anticipated. [second] - nannying. i did more nannying this quarter than i have done any other quarter. i did it this summer, and a few of the families i nanny for wanted to continue into the fall, and i won't say no to extra money ;) plus the lil nuggets are so cute. [third] - laziness. i know i always blame my lack of blogging on laziness, but i felt it more in the past 6 months or so than i ever have. every time i thought "'maybe i should write my thoughts down about that' or 'i should recap x experience'" i never felt like i had the energy to sit down and write. it's funny because as much time as school took up for me this quarter, none of them were writing-heavy. and maybe that's why i didn't feel like writing anything on here, because i wasn't really in the habit of it anyhow. so as of now, one of my goals (not resolutions, i hate those) for 2014 is to write on here more consistently. 
some most of my blog ideas had(ve?) to do with evolving personally. deep stuff, really. and i haven't really had a chance until now to sit down, decompress, and mentally chew on thoughts that have been rambling around in my head for the past few months. i recently hung out with two of my besties from high school - carly & jourdan. over a warm fire & wine - jourdan and i talked about how different our lives are even from just 4 years ago in high school. i view things so differently, feel more mature and responsible, and hopefully look a little older ;) (tell that to the people who ID me 100% of the time) life begins out of your comfort zone, i've found. there are seriously thousands (if not more) blog posts on that exact subject. believe me, i've read a few. what i've found is that everyone's experiences are different. example: a friend posted this blog post: http://wanderonwards.com/2013/12/30/23-things-to-do-instead-of-getting-engaged-before-youre-23/
there are definitely some good points in this article, but i can't help feeling that the author of it is somewhat bitter. she talked about seeing other people getting married/engaged in their early twenties, and goes on basically to say that it's a stupid idea and people don't know what they're doing. to that, i have to assume she has never been in love.you can do all of these things with your boyfriend/husband and be just as happy and adventurous (maybe not #3 & #11...) this blog post is a perfect example of 90% of the attitudes girls have at SPU. small school, 3-to-1 ratio, Christian, ring-by-spring, MRS degree, blah blah blah. you get the picture. sometimes you can feel suffocated by it. trust me. and i never pictured myself at 21 seriously dating someone. in fact, i would have probably thought you were crazy. but that's what's so great about the future - you can't predict it. you can be bitter and depressed that you don't have someone to be with, but having that attitude ultimately isn't going to get you to the preferred end goal. another element the post is missing is anything about the Christian perspective. and believe me, i've read enough about those too. i.e. how to pray for your future husband (GAG). this is a great blog post from a Christian perspective on how your spouse is not your end-all, be-all: http://theartinlife.wordpress.com/2013/07/22/my-husband-is-not-my-soul-mate/
ugh, i just love this post. it's all about how love isn't a fairy tale or a feeling - but a choice to love your husband/wife every day. my favorite part from the post: "You could have a great marriage with any number of compatible people. There is no ONE PERSON for you. But once you marry someone, that person becomes your one person." love love love that. so many people buy into the lie that "there is only one person for me, and what if i never find them or find them too late?" they've never thought of the notion that soulmates may not exist. or at least how they pictured them to be. you don't have one chance - you have multiple chances. you can be in love more than once. after all, God gives us new chances everyday. imagine if he gave us just one chance to be good, upstanding, God-fearing Christian human beings? it's ridiculous. the whole idea of finding a soulmate just doesn't make sense - but most of us (girls at least) have grown up with it. almost subconsciously, really. that is something that needs to change in middle/high school youth groups. BUT that's a post for another day. 

all this to say that everyone has a different experience. everyone has a story. good or bad. exciting or less-than-exciting. freeing or stifling. some people get married at age 19. some wait until way later. some travel the world. some find the same experiences closer to home. and you know what? it's okay. it's awesome. that's what makes being a young person so wonderful - meeting people going through something completely different than you - and still having something to talk about because you're trying to figure it out like they are. i'm 21. and i've definitely matured since 16, 18...but i still have maturing to do. growth. experiences. life. with or without a significant other.

this is as random as it gets.

whenever i can't think of anything/don't have the energy to write about something deep or thoughtful, i resort to the collection of random thoughts floating through my head at this current point in time.....so here goes. enjoy.

krazy glue works wonders. my boots are good as new (for now). i'm beginning to think a chocolate-covered granola bar was not the best way to start my day....when was the last time I washed my hair? what should I have for lunch? Is it bad to eat sweet potato fries three days in a row? this font sucks. i'm going to change it. what am i forgetting to write down in my planner? is the sun going away for good? i'm sick of the rain already. why did i stay up until 3am last night? where are the best pumpkin patches in seattle? now i want apple cider. caramel apple cider from starbucks. why do people fail us? how can we believe lies so easily and not see something coming? why is it so easy to transition into the weekend and so difficult to transition out of it? WHY did i stay up until 3am last night? i'm hungry. i'm going to see if i have more sweet potato fries.....

title goes here.

apparently that time i mentioned that would be "soon" in my last post is now. i am slightly forced into this - my house is currently being spider-bombed and i am quarantined to my room on the third floor.

so. where do i begin? i have HARDLY blogged - or even written in a journal - at all this summer. the bad memory in me is shaming myself...how will you remember what you did for those few months? while the laziness in me is haphazardly throwing up a hand and saying "whatever. oh well."

let's summarize (no joke - i just wrote "summerize". either summer has sunk in for too long or i have been out of school for too long. or maybe both) what has occupied my time since june:

nannying.

working at weddings.

dentist. (cavities + upcoming wisdom teeth extraction)

birthdays.

jury duty.

visit to illinois.

spending time with my friends and my love.

if i wrote about every single one of those, i would have a novel and you would be here all day and/or night. so i'll spare you. also - nothing on this blog is ever organized so be ready for sporadic thoughts and general jumping around.

i've noticed in my life lately that the most unexpected and unplanned things are often the best. even through the worries and panic, things end up working out and you realize you aren't as in control of your life as you'd like to be. but that's ok because even if you don't know your next step, God does, and will provide. i've had more than one freakout about what i'm going to do after i graduate. i still don't know, if you're wondering. my life is going to change a lot within a year. i will be done with school in a matter of 6 months (um. WHAT?); i'll be moving out of my house of 8 girls; i will be working (fingers crossed haha); people will be moving away, etc. and as much as i try to resist and deny change - believe me, i'm the queen - i know that's how life is and even though it will be hard, it will be good. life is a series of changes...different seasons of life is part of the deal, whether you signed up for it or not. i suppose the time from when you graduate high school and into your mid/late 20s is when you go through the most change and growth. i'm right in the middle of it all - 21 - and i couldn't tell you where i'll be in a year or 5 years. in fact, if you told me, i would probably laugh and tell you you're crazy. 

let me give you a few examples:

>>>finals got the best of me along with the rest of end of the school-year craziness- and i realized i didn't have a plan for the next step - summer. i applied to probably 10-15 places and either didn't get the job or didn't hear back. i was so discouraged by the third week that i almost gave up. i decided to make a profile on care.com to nanny....i was actually contacted by one of my sister's friends, and got connected to other families - and the rest is history. she also owns a wedding planning/event company, so i've gotten to work for her doing that this summer, which i've really enjoyed. it's something i never could have guessed or anticipated, but i'm so thankful everything happened like it did. 

>>>one year ago, i was all ready to go across the world to europe to study abroad - be by myself in another country & continent and explore. i had absolutely zero intention of meeting anyone, much less dating and falling in love any time soon. i met ryan three weeks before i left for 3 months. i wouldn't have chose the timing, but again, i wouldn't have it any other way now. we went on a couple dates before i left, and continued talking even though i was halfway across the world and 8 hours ahead. when i came back in december, we started dating. i remember my mom telling me if i wasn't feeling it on those few dates we went on, i was going to be across the world and wouldn't have to see or talk to him again if i didn't want to. i laugh at that now, because i can't imagine my life without him. he truly is my best friend, my encourager, my supporter, the one i can always count on, and my love. we've been together for almost 9 months and i can't wait to see where life takes us together.

>>>my grandmother recently passed after almost 94 years of life. she was sure something. about a month ago, my dad let all three of us know that her health was starting to seriously decline - she stopped eating/taking her medication - and just to be aware that she was going to pass away soon. she beat the time her doctor gave her...my dad said "she was tougher than that". and she was. she passed on aug. 23 (also my parent's anniversary) and we flew out the 25th (my sister's birthday). all five of us were able to make it out to illinois for her funeral. the time frame was nearly perfect for every one of us to go. i'd like to call it divine timing - it was completely out of our hands, and something we couldn't figure out. we all got to be together - along with our aunts, uncles, cousins, & other loved ones - to celebrate the life of this woman that has always been in ours. and to say a final goodbye to the human she was: kind, generous, selfless, happy, encouraging, easy-going, a woman truly committed to not only her family but to the Lord. we will miss her so much - but her legacy will live on long after. and that is the best thing you can hope for and dream about.

I don't know a lot- but I can tell you God is faithful and God will provide. He has a plan when you don't. He loves. Oh how he loves us.

it's been awhile.

and i will blog about something important. or thought-provoking. soon. i promise.

life facts/observations as of late

• as per the last two summers, i am on a country music kick (YEEHAW)
• i've watched more of the TODAY show in the last week than i have in maybe my whole life, due to nannying. speaking of, you know when they parody hoda and kathie lee on SNL? that's not exaggerated. AT ALL.
• i turn 21 in 4 DAYS! i can't believe it.
• i have a beautiful new silver car (RIP oreo...) which is still awaiting a name (i'm open to suggestions)
• i've done laundry twice this week....which if you know me, is a big deal
• ryan & i celebrated 6 months last month. THAT'S HALF OF A YEAR, PEOPLE.
• my nose ring fell out in the shower and went down the drain before i could scream "NOOOOOO" (but i did anyway)
• my monday nights have been taken over by the bachelorette and i'm not ashamed to admit it
• i finally deleted my yahoo email account. i am going to graduate soon, and i figured "chandlerbing" wasn't an acceptable form of communication to potential employers
• i've planned two separate weekend trips this summer to see great friends and am SO excited
• i am really loving this no homework thing. like really REALLY.

that time i walked to hot yoga in fremont and almost passed out in class

alright. let me fill you in on a little adventure i had this afternoon.
recently, i bought a groupon (for $29!) for 10 yoga classes at Bikram Yoga in fremont. my initial thought: "oh, sweet! what a great deal. i've been wanting to do yoga for awhile." what i failed to realize was that it was Bikram Yoga aka Hot Yoga aka 105 degrees aka DEATH.
as soon as i finished my first class last week, i knew i had made a huge mistake.

my first class went a little like this:
first: me sweating out of EVERY pore in my body. pores i didn't even know i had. how do i know that? my forehead was sweating. my CALVES were sweating. my palms were sweating so bad, i couldn't even hold onto my limbs to do a posture. truly disgusting.
second: speaking of disgusting....speedos. and lots of them. the first offense was the guy two people away from me who was showing off with his handstands and other various tricks (of course.) speedos are the worst.
third: every other thought "no. NO." ; "what did i get myself into?!" ; and "WHYYYYYYYYYY" interrupted by my pathetic breathing attempts.
the first time i went, i went with lindsey, since her, katie & i all bought the groupon together.

today, i decided to go alone. since my car has been acting a little weird AND it wasn't raining, i decided it would be a good idea to walk there. i was wrong. in case you weren't aware, i live on the border of queen anne and ballard. the yoga place i go to is in fremont. 2 miles the opposite direction. so, i put on my headphones, got my nikes on, i'm ready to go....i'm walking there, psyched about life. 35 minutes later, i arrive. take my shoes off, my sweats, jacket, and migrate into the 105 degree room. the class started at 4, i was in there at around 3:40. i had already been sweating a considerate amount by the time class started.
class starts, and it's going decently....keeps going and i start sweating more. (the guy in front of me looked like he had just jumped into a pool because he was DRIPPING. sick sick sick.) then i start getting really lightheaded. then my peripheral vision starts fading.

time-out: they tell you to do hot yoga on an empty stomach and to stop drinking water an hour before class. class is an HOUR AND A HALF long. in case you can't do math, 105 DEGREES PLUS EMPTY STOMACH EQUALS LIGHTHEAD-NESS/PASSING OUT. 
have they no soul?!

time-in: i decide before i faint in front of a group of 30 strangers wearing short shorts (with legs that haven't been shaved in about a week), that i have to get the heck out of there. i'm trying to think of the cleanest, least disruptive getaway, and realize that i am at the complete opposite side of the room where the exit is located. i realize the longer i just stand there looking both awkward and like an idiot, the worse it will be. so i grab my mat and towel and avoid all eye contact. i didn't, however, escape the attention of the instructor as he asked "are you alright?" while i said in an embarrassed, (i'm sure high-pitched voice), "yes." 
i could have kissed the floor when i got out of that hell hole. i sat down on the bench and tried to get control of both my consciousness and dignity.
after i mustered up a bit of strength and none of my dignity, i walked past the classroom and began the 2 mile trek back home. i also thought it would be a good idea to walk along the canal so i wouldn't have to run into many people (haha funny) and due to the sweet (albeit LOUD) melodies of justin timberlake in my ears, i almost got ran over by a bicycle brigade and joggers because i couldn't hear the always-annoying "on your left!". this happened several times, once accompanied with the finger.
you stay classy, seattle.
i had to sit down more than once to catch my breath. and pretend i wasn't soaked in my own sweat.

the problem is now, i bought 10 classes and have only used 2. holding true to birky form, you can bet that i am going to use every single one of those classes.
and i'm going to hate every second of them. if i don't pass out first.

stay tuned.

crossroads.

i've been putting off writing this post for awhile now. i've had this and that for an excuse, but i decided it's finally time to sit down and write everything down. there might be some "word vomit" if you will.

honestly, the title of this post makes me cringe a little but it's the only word that describes this point in my life.

i'm at a crossroad - let's have the dictionary define that, shall we?

crossroads |ˈkrôsˌrōdz|

noun

an intersection of two or more roads.

• a point at which a crucial decision must be made that will have far-reaching consequences : we stand again at a historic crossroads.

• ( crossroad) a road that crosses a main road or joins two main roads.

the second definition is more of what i'm talking about here - "a point at which a crucial decision must be made that will have far-reaching consequences" because guess what? I'm going to be done with school FOREVER in a matter of 9 months. 9 MONTHS. MARCH 2014. that's the length of a pregnancy (don't get any ideas, family....) in other words, that's not a lot of time in the grand scheme of things. I am graduating a quarter early, which means less time i have to be in school, but it also means i have to join the rest of the world earlier. there's pros and cons here, as in most situations in life.

i've had a breakdown (or 3) within the last 2 weeks. after much thought and over-analyzation, i'm not sure if i want to do something fashion-related with my career. clearly, since i'm only two quarters away from graduating, changing my major is not an option. (not that i would know what i wanted to change it to anyway), so i'm going to stick it out.

the thing is, i don't know what i want to do with my life. i have no idea. how are you supposed to know at age 21, anyhow? at the same time, i feel stupid for not knowing. i feel like everyone else has a goal; a plan of what they want to do and how they will achieve it.

so what do i want to do? i want to travel the world. that's the only thing that comes to mind. but i can't do that forever.

another idea that has been floating around in my mind is writing - clearly i enjoy it, and i think i'm decent at it. i've thought about doing it for a career. but would that make me hate one of my passions? that would be unfortunate. i think in the next couple of weeks i might see if i can do an informational interview of sorts somewhere like Seattle Magazine. that way, i can at least get a feel for what writing for a living might be like. it can't hurt, right?

i realize that not everyone has a career that direct relates to what they majored in in college. which is encouraging....but still, i can't stop the voice in the back of my head that's saying 'what are you going to do with this degree? you only have one option.' and that sucks. i feel trapped into being a buyer, or a merchandiser, or something related to that. and after hating EVERY SINGLE SECOND of my retail buying class this quarter, i can safely cross off "buyer" from my list of potential careers. but now what? where do i go from here?

i think another reason for this crisis is that every single fashion-related job (well, really every job) i've applied for this summer, i haven't gotten, or even heard back from. 

it's tough for a playa out there on the streets, ya dig?

i've been in a state of mental panic for the last few weeks. i feel like i'm running out of time. will i be ready graduate in 9 months? like, mentally prepared for life post-college and everything that goes with it? i don't like change. if i didn't bring it on myself, i hate it. i don't like that awkward period of adjustment. 

sooo....this brings me to a standstill. i wish God would give me a vision of what i'm supposed to do and that would be that, but that's not how life works.
for now, i just have to pray and trust that God will point me in the right direction.

happy [21st] birthday!

Saturday was Ryan's birthday, and he got to share it with his brand new niece, miss Eisley Rose. the day was long, but exciting at the same time. i got to the hospital around 10:30am, and we waited, waited, waited some more, went to dinner at the hub, and came back just in time for her to be born, around 7:45 pm. I asked him if he felt overshadowed that his new niece was taking over his 21st, and he said - without hesitation - "no." he'd much rather have the attention on someone else...especially a new family member. what a guy! we guessed on how much she would weigh: i said 6lbs, 11 oz; and he said 6lbs, 5 oz. She ended up being 6 lbs, 7 oz, and 17 inches long. He was closer! must be an uncle's intuition ;)
in addition to Eisley being born and his 21st birthday, it was also our 6 month anniversary. to be honest, i'm not one for celebrating months, but i feel like 6 months is kind of a milestone. he's usually the one that remembers every month....it seems our roles are slightly reversed. i told him to consider the 'stache part of his birthday present from me....he knows how much i hate it. birthday celebrations can only last so long ;)
the 15th seems to be an important number with us: our anniversary is the 15th, we're both born on a 15th (one month apart)......is this some kind of omen? i guess only time will tell, right?

 beer for the birthday boy!

 uncle & niece: birthday twins!

after our long day

the next day, his mom made a cake with both drums AND a baby carriage for Eisley. She is so creative! she should start her own cake business. (the bonus: the drums were made of rice krispy treats!)

this morning, i had the chance to go to breakfast with one of my closest friends, Bekah. she was in town for a wedding, and i told her she couldn't leave without seeing me! even though it had been almost a year since i've seen her, it was like nothing had changed. she really is one of my greatest friends and i'm grateful i got to see her for a few hours. i'm planning a trip over to spokane soon to see her! she is truly the best. 

(we didn't get a picture today because it was EARLY - so this will have to do).

picture overload

i SUCK at blogging lately.....i'm sorry!!!! this quarter has proven to be way more busy than i anticipated. without further ado.....here is an attempt of sorts to catch you up on my life.

 brown's point park

 he's just the best.

 the sunset was amazing!

 my first bubble necklace.

 my first sunburn of the year.

 sunset at golden gardens.

 my "ice cream parlor" pants - professional dress workshop

 sunsets at greenlake.

 college night at the mariners game!

 got to see my nieces! love this little lady.

 the procession of the species parade in olympia....truly one of a kind.

 the birthday girl gets the special seat

 lindsey's birthday!

 i made house dinner - and found these mutant chili peppers

 frappy hour with miss lindsey.

 my second sunburn of the year (the third, fourth, and fifth are not pictured)

 82 degrees in seattle calls for floppy hat weather.

 magnolia park

 carkeek park

 filming with emily

cards against humanity....like apples to apples. but worse.

restlessness.

as i was driving to joann's fabrics (the life of a fashion student) i kept hearing updates about the situation in Boston. earlier, i was reading updates on facebook - some of them involving children inquiring what was going on - and i couldn't shake off the helpless and natural feeling of "WHY?". 
and i involuntarily lost it. as i sat in traffic, i just helplessly started crying. (these things usually don't hit me that hard, but for some reason they struck a nerve.)

why do these things happen?
why are people so angry?
why do people feel so alone?
why is this okay?

the truth is, it's not okay. but it happens regardless. and i know the answer that many people think to these questions is: "because they don't have jesus". and while that is true, i can't help but be pessimistic and bitter towards it. in ucor 3000, we learned about theodicies - the vindication of divine goodness and providence in view of the existence of evil. even though i have a textbook definition of this, i still can't wrap my head around why. this definition doesn't explain or justify the way human beings act. how someone can be so broken, so indescribably hurt, so angry, that they feel the need to hurt or kill hundreds (or in some cases, thousands) of innocent people is completely beyond me. i cannot wrap my mind around mass shootings and bombings - especially consecutive ones.
especially when i know that it could happen to people i love - my parents, my siblings, my nieces, my boyfriend, my friends...and even me. 

this sucks.
people suck.

and while that might be something that never changes as long as we're on earth, it's a reality we have to accept. what i've realized is that i can't control what other people do, but i can control how i react to it. and it's ok to be pissed off, angry, frustrated, sad, or confused. these tragedies aren't easy and they have several complicated layers to them. it's natural to feel like this. what i'm at a loss for is when to stop feeling like this. can i be constantly frustrated and angry at people who do this? no, because that's not going to solve anything. on the other hand, i can't simply forget about something this easily, because it can (and will) happen again. i suppose what i'm getting at is that i don't know where to go from here. i'm at a stubborn place of frustration and unbelief.

i have to believe God is good.
i have to believe people will be changed and affected by these situations.
i have to believe that His purpose is divine and better than anything i could even dream of.

but you know what? 



it's hard.

but i'm trying. 
and i'll keep trying.

confessions.

it's that time again.......go here or here for more of these golden confessions.

-given the two options of showering or sleeping, i've chosen sleeping. more than once.
-i already forgot to do a homework assignment and it's only the 4th day of the quarter
-when it's over 65 degrees outside, i start to sweat.
-two weeks ago, i fell down the stairs. and i mean fell. i ate it.
-i have a secret dream to be a cast member on SNL
-europe did not help my fear of birds at all. in fact i think it made it worse.
-i shaved my legs for the first time in a month last week
-i spelled the word "questionnaire" wrong on my ufdn paper today. to be fair, i wasn't typing it.
-i've been listening to JT's new album nonstop. i almost have all the lyrics memorized. my favorite song: mirrors. UGH. so so so good. look it up if you don't know what i'm talking about.
-i've decided i don't ever want to own a dog when i grow up. ever. too annoying. too much supervision. not worth it. (sorry, dog lovers. actually......i'm not sorry.)



and there it is. have confessions to add?

reunited.

i got the chance to hang out with one of my dearest friends, miss alyssa bray. she was on her spring break from ewu and decided to spend a couple days in seattle. i met alyssa, (along with roommate, bekah), when we were all put on the same floor. we immediately hit it off, and they both became two of my best friends last year.
alyssa went to spu her first two years and was a nursing major. she unfortunately didn't get into the nursing program at spu, and decided to transfer to ewu in cheney, which also happens to be her hometown. 
when i found out she was leaving and not coming back, i was heartbroken. here, one of the best friends i had made in college was leaving me. that sucks -- when you have such a genuine connection with someone, only to have it taken away from you. i felt bad for myself for awhile. but then i realized that it wasn't about me, and she was just doing what was best for her. i had to support her no matter where she decided to go.
alyssa is one of those people that no matter how long it's been since you've seen her, she makes you feel like you hung out yesterday. her laugh makes you want to laugh, and she is the best confidant. we have the same sense of humor and are always on the same wavelength. i wouldn't be quite who i am if i hadn't met her, and i'd like to think she feels the same way.
and while it sucks that she isn't in seattle anymore, it makes me that much more grateful for the times i do get to see her. it's so nice to stay in touch - it makes me feel like she isn't that far away.

 i had another reunion of sorts - a virtual one via oovoo - with my friends i studied abroad with. 4 friends, 3 states, and 2 time zones....i got to see them and hear their voices after almost 4 months. technology is so awesome. we talked for an hour and a half - catching up and reminiscing about our time in london. kaylee, sarah, and carli made my study abroad experience what it was and i miss them all the time. like sarah texted us all later that night: "it was so wonderful to have London back for a night!" and i could not agree more. we're planning a reunion in australia in winter 2015. and we're serious.

but i guess that's the part about college that i have trouble dealing with. things change so often and so quickly, sometimes my brain and heart are slow to catch up. and i'm the first to admit it. 
all this to say - i'm so thankful for the people i've met throughout the last few years. sometimes you don't know why they are put into your life, or just how much of an impact they will have on you. once they're gone, you truly know how much they've affected you and shape the way you see and treat other people. and that is worth more than words can describe.